Sometimes I wonder how much my heart can take. I try not to focus on the heart ache and the pain of missing you. Your pictures, your username when I open skype, are all just reminders of how much I miss you. I know you’ll be back soon but the heartache I feel penetrates my chest. When I am alone late at night, you are the thing that weighs heaviest upon my mind. I try so hard not to focus on you that when the pain does hit it is more severe than anything I’ve ever felt. Sometimes I am scared for you to come back. Scared of the possibilities that are held out to us, I question what will happen in the future. I wish so bad to see you again that the amount of fright I feel is nothing compared to the longing I feel to see your face. Everything fades into the background, and the pain I feel resonates within my chest. You will probably never read this, heck no one will probably ever read this but somehow I feel like writing this connects me to you on some deeper level. All I know is that I miss you. I guess that’s all there is to it.
I don’t know how you’ll take the news. I don’t know how you’ll live with this news actually. I hope that when you come back you’re not so torn up about her that you can’t function. She’s too young, actually you both are. You’re too young to be wanting to marry and to have kids, and yet that’s what you wanted. We all saw that it wasn’t true love. “It’s lust.” We would tell you, “Think really hard about it.” We’d say. But we could never get through to you. You always said “This is true love, I know it is.” Yet, where are you now? Gone. You got in trouble and you had to leave. Now she says that she doesn’t love you anymore. I hope I’m able to help you pick up the pieces when you come back. I hope to god that you don’t try to hurt yourself. I wouldn’t be able to bear that pain. She’s going to break your heart when you come back, trust me I know it will hurt. I just hope that you are strong enough to understand that in the long run, neither of you were ready. I hope that when you come back I can just hug you for all of eternity, and allow myself to become even more of a friend to you. I love you like a brother, and I hope you realize that there is more to life than her.
Every time i see you i realize how much i miss you. Sometimes i wish you never would have left. I know it was for your own good and that you left but that doesn’t stop me from missing you. I look for you at every assembly and i dont know why i do because every time i see you, i miss you. You always sit really close to me and i want to talk to you so bad. I wish you were already back. I know these things take time but i just want to talk to you. :(
Why do I even bother with stupid people in my life? I would love so much just to stop trying!!! No one ever understands what I say or what I am trying to get across. Not even to mention that everyone HATES me! I don’t understand why I even bother trying. It’s obvious that everyone hates my guts and all I’m good for is ridicule and hate of other people. I would so much rather just listen to one of my favorite songs and just break everything in sight. My mom thinks I go out and do SO FREAKING MUCH! I do nothing but sit on my butt all day and freaking do school work, and for what? The people who judge me and hate me? She doesn’t understand that home school is not entertaining! While she’s out and about doing things and while my sister is at school I sit at home staring at a computer screen learning things that will never apply to anything in my life. With teachers who send back every item I turn in telling me that I am too much of an idiot and must repeat the assignment. Even though I do spend the night at friends houses periodically that doesn’t mean we are out having fun. We are usually in the house watching TV! She assumes that I do enough to amuse myself. Maybe, I wouldn’t want to go out ALL THE FREAKING TIME if I wasn’t in the house ALL THE GOD FORSAKEN TIME DOING NOTHING!!!! Maybe I should tape you to the computer chair and force you to be bored out of your mind 24/7. Then I can get to come home after being out of the house all day and scream at you about how you go out of the house ALL the time!!! How you’re overreacting and then never take the time to listen to your problems and try to understand because “Oh, I’m too tired” or when I do listen to you I make derogatory comments, sigh, and complain about home you’re so immoral and you’re making all the wrong decisions. Then we’ll see how you like it.
I just realized that some people will tell you things just to make you feel good about yourself. Why cant you be genuine? It would mean more to me for you to give me a genuine compliment or be real than to fake it and give me hurt feelings and false memories. I realize that you are trying to be nice, but thats not the way to do it. I’m not trying to be mean, but its fake. I don’t like fake people. If you could be real and genuine with me it would make me happier than all the fake happiness you could ever have given me. I want to be loved for things that are real, and to have memories that aren’t false. I want memories that are true and genuine. That would make me the happiest woman in the whole world.
Lately I’ve been giving up hope about my friend. At least I stopped thinking about it. There’s always that sudden jult of excitement that he’ll come back, when my friend talks about new news with vagueness. When I’m alone at night he passes across my mind, and I wonder if he misses me? I wonder how often he thinks of me and if he misses me as much as I miss him. It’s hard sometimes to thinking about it, and missing him makes me want to cry. Yet like everything else I will work through it, and rebuild my life to coddle my wounds. Eventually he will come back, but being in constant wait for him will do me no good. I will keep hope but I will not be in constant expectation. He will be back I’m certain of it, but for now I need to focus on other things.
This is by “Observando” I really, really like it. It’s just what I needed. :)
Me and my friend are hanging out for a while, to pass the time til my aunt comes. She was on the phone with someone, the conversation they were having sounded like my friend maybe coming back. I was about to bawl and kept waiting and waiting for her to get off the phone. She finally did, looked at me and told me that it was about hospitality. I was utterly crushed. Why do I constantly keep waiting for him as if it will happen in no time? I know it will take longer than a few months, but god!! Why is it so hard for me to dwell on the now and not the future? Why is he constantly in the back of my mind? My heart is constantly crushed by missing him, and not hearing his voice, his jokes, and being able to become closer and closer to him. Why did he have to do what he did? Why couldn’t he not take the selfish course, and instead take the course where he would make all of us proud and cause no pain to us?!?! I miss him so much! Chris if you read this, work hard and come back soon! We need you, and most of all I need you. I miss you so much Chris. Please, hurry.
it’s been a while since I’ve posted. Even though no one listens I feel like I can pour my heart out here. My friend that I’ve recently grown close to is going to be disfellowshipped. He’ll be gone without any contact between me and him for a looooong while. Before when I thought about it I was kinda like ‘eh’ but now reality has just come crashing down on me. Last night I felt like crying and kept thinking about my notebook for him and what I would write in it. I hop he enjoys it when he comes back and I hope I can see him one last time before he has to go. It stinks but it’s for the best. Also I’ve realized that I need more friends. I don’t have slot but they are of good quality and character. Quality is better than quantity I always say. Anyhow that’s all for now. So off I send my feelings in to the dead open space that we call the Internet for all to read. Til next time.
Okay do people think that unfollowing me is some sort of insult? Seriously! OOOOOH! She unfollowed me I’m soooo depressed. Whatever loser. haha I am just sick of people. :P Can’t wait to go to Satiens, good gravy I love that girl. <3 ANYHOW! All those who don’t like me can SUCK MY BALLS! Ya heard me.
